The Shift: Scenes from the Year Humanity Lost Sex Read online

  The Shift

  Scenes from the Year Humanity Lost Sex

  By Zoe S. Figueroa

  Copyright © 2017 Zoe S. Figueroa

  All Rights Reserved

  TABLE OF CONTENTS

  Engagement Party - SideBar Cocktail Lounge - Phoenix, AZ

  Partial Transcript - Episode 170 - Podcast “Silver Screams”

  Discussion Thread Comment - Episode 170 - Podcast “Silver Screams”

  Marketing Department Presentation - Cupid’s Arrow Lingerie Headquarters - New York, NY

  Article - Online Advice Column - “Ms. Ella Etiquette”

  Transcript of First Segment - February 5 Episode - TV Series “Touch ‘Em All”

  Halloween Party - Gibson Residence - Cincinnati, OH

  Family Meeting - Percy Residence - Houston, TX

  Summer Festival Planning Session - Rochester Theatre Company - Rochester, MN

  Hook-Up Joint - L’Amore Hotel - Kansas City, MO

  Morning - Torres Residence - Roswell, GA

  Tinder Date - SideBar Cocktail Lounge - Phoenix, AZ

  Tweetstorm - User @thahothand

  Christmas Shopping - Colonial Park Mall - Harrisburg, PA

  Article - September 8 Edition - Time Magazine

  Bishop’s Office - Louisville 1st Ward - Louisville, KY

  Text Conversation

  HR Department - Braxton Pharmaceuticals - Greensboro, NC

  Film Review - “One More Time” - Seattle Times

  Clothes Shopping - Tanger Outlet Southaven - Southaven, MS

  Rec League Softball Game - Fernald School Field - Waltham, MA

  Introductory Date - Le Pain Quotidien Café - Los Angeles, CA

  Message Board Thread - Warline Main Discussion - Unofficial Warline Forums

  First Date - Roselyn’s Apartment - Phoenix, AZ

  Engagement Party

  SideBar Cocktail Lounge

  Phoenix, AZ

  Saturday December 22, 355 days after

  Roselyn sat at the end of the bar far away enough to be left alone but not far away enough to appear antisocial. The rest of her party clumped together a few stools to her left as they continued the night’s celebration of Megan and Sherri’s engagement.

  The couple had only been dating three months, but the reality was the two had been best friends since elementary school. They’d been inseparable for twenty years and had obviously planned on being maid of honor at each other’s weddings. They had probably practiced what embarrassing stories to use for their toasts where they’d congratulate the groom on becoming their new wife’s second-best friend. Now each would have to come up with someone else to be their maids of honor. It would likely be the most stressful thing about the wedding for each of them.

  Roselyn swiped through profile pictures on her phone. Earlier in the evening she had been more discreet with her online trawling, but she figured she’d held off long enough. She thumbed left again and again, more out of reflex than anything else. Every time she considered taking a second look or digging deeper into a profile she had already swiped past the next two faces.

  Pictures of cocktail dresses and swimsuits and Halloween costumes and hiking gear slid off her screen one after another. She grit her teeth. She couldn’t decide if she was mad at herself for being so choosy or at the offerings for being so uninspiring.

  Miguel peeled himself off the edge of the circle and approached her.

  “So how many times has Sherri shown you the ring?” he asked and smiled.

  “I got away with once,” she said, not quite returning the favor.

  “I got a good look three times,” he said, “I don’t think she’s made a fist all evening. It’s like she’s auditioning to be a hand model.”

  Roselyn pursed her lips.

  “I had kind of hoped engagement rings would have stopped being a thing after The Shift,” she said to herself before immediately wondering how loud she was, “Uh, don’t tell them I said that.”

  “Don’t worry,” he said, “I’m kind of surprised too. Maybe they’ll fall out of fashion in a few years but I think jewelers are trying to cash in as much as they can right now. Sherri keeps apologizing for not buying Megan one yet.”

  “It’s kind of unfair when you think about it. They’ve probably been sharing Pinterest boards about what wedding rings they wanted to get for years.”

  “Well, it definitely worked. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Sherri so happy.”

  Roselyn gave a conciliatory sort of shrug. Miguel nodded toward her phone.

  “Going shopping?”

  “Yeah.”

  “How’s the meat market these days?”

  “Discouraging.”

  She swiped through a few more faces without really looking at them.

  “Ugh, I’m so goddamn picky when I’m packing!” she groaned and adjusted in her seat, the same way she’d had to adjust thirteen times this year. She’d basically gotten used to it at this point, but it wasn’t any less annoying.

  “I wouldn’t say that. You did it with me after all.”

  She was just about to apologize before realizing he complimented himself.

  “That’s because you were so damn pathetic. You were so nervous about losing your cherry it was almost cute.”

  “Well you were a very tender lover,” he said, “You really know how to make a guy feel special.”

  Roselyn mimicked a smile.

  “I’d offer a repeat,” he continued, “But Ben and I are still exclusive. Maybe someday I’ll convince him to join one of those harems everyone’s getting into, but, you know: new relationship.”

  Roselyn looked at him for the first time all evening. She probably would have taken him up on the offer. The Shift had hit him pretty hard. He still wore the same type of outfits he had a year ago, but jeans and t-shirts weren’t great at hiding curves. Roselyn had come to appreciate handles when she was packing.

  Miguel swung behind her and leaned against her shoulder. She felt his breasts push against the back of her bare arm. She adjusted in her seat again.

  “Let me help you pick someone,” he said.

  She almost said no before realizing she didn’t have a reason to.

  She swiped left.

  “How about them?”

  “I don’t know, they’re sort of… bony.”

  She swiped left.

  “They’re kinda hot.”

  “They look like the kind of guy who used to send dick pics. Maybe they still do.”

  She swiped left.

  “They look nice.”

  “Eh, I don’t buy that as their real age.”

  “Man, you really are picky, aren’t you?”

  She swiped left.

  She paused.

  “Ooo, you gotta go out with this one!”

  Roselyn examined the profile picture that sat on top of the name Jessie. She was standing in front of a bronze statue of a lion in a light jacket. It looked like the ones from that museum in Chicago that Roselyn couldn’t remember the name of. She wore glasses and a beanie that held down a large mass of wavy, auburn hair. Her smile was so natural. Roselyn could never understand how some people could smile naturally for photos.

  She flicked up for the next picture. Jessie was twisting behind her to view the picture taker sitting behind her at a Diamondbacks game. Roselyn flicked up again.

  Jessie was arranged in a semi-circle of other women at a wedding. She definitely stood out. Roselyn flicked up again.

  Jessie posed in front of a mirror for a selfie, but she wasn’t holding the camera. An arm reached from off-screen with her phone pointed at the mirror.


  “Heh, that’s kind of clever,” Miguel said. Roselyn flicked up again.

  Jessie sat on a pool bench in a bikini. A superimposed speech balloon read “Since you made it this far into my profile...”

  “See? They look like fun,” Miguel said and shook her shoulders.

  Jessie was biting her finger in an imitation of sexiness. Only she was still sexy. Roselyn dragged her eyes Jessie’s body. She made the biggest adjustment to her seat all night.

  “I guess she’s okay. Maybe I could…”

  She squinted at the screen.

  “No, nope, forget it, not going to happen.”

  “What? Why?” Miguel asked.

  “She’s a werewolf,” Roselyn said and pointed at the full moon icon on the corner of Jessie’s profile.

  “What do you mean? It’s a full moon right now. You’re a werewolf.”

  “Exactly! I don’t want to be fucking sword fighting all night with this girl.”

  “Oh, have you not done it with someone when you’re both packing?” Miguel asked in the same tone he would ask if she’d ever had sex in a hotel.

  “No! I’ve only had a penis, like, a dozen times in my whole life!”

  “It’s honestly really fun. Ben and I are synced up.”

  “Really?”

  “Yep, we’re both 3-Q’s. Just one more week,” he said and flashed two enthusiastic thumbs up.

  Roselyn frowned.

  “Come on, you’ve had years of having sex with people with dicks. I’ve had to adapt way more to, you know, all of this.”

  Miguel’s smile wavered for the first time. Roselyn sighed.

  “I know, it’s just,” she struggled for the words, “Sex has gotten so complicated in the last year. It just seems more, you know, simple if the roles are clear. Even if I’m the one doing the…”

  She trailed off and peeked again at the screen.

  “Just give it a shot. They’re cute, they seem nice, and who knows, maybe they’re only into bottoming. A conversation couldn’t hurt.”

  Roselyn turned back to her phone. Jessie looked back with her ridiculous smile.

  She swiped right.

  Partial Transcript

  Episode 170

  Podcast “Silver Screams”

  Wednesday January 17, 16 days after

  [THEME MUSIC]

  [MATT]: Good evening and welcome to episode 170 of Silver Screams, your favorite horror movie podcast. I’m your host Matt Wood.

  [SOOVIN]: I’m your extra host Soovin Choi.

  [RYAN]: I’m your additional host Ryan Vogol.

  [NATALIE]: And I’m your bonus host Natalie Simpson.

  [DEAD AIR]

  [LAUGHTER]

  [RYAN]: And yeah, that’s all the important information. So how about that new Jack Springer trailer, huh?

  [LAUGHTER]

  [MATT]: So, as you might have noticed, it’s been three weeks since our last episode.

  [SOOVIN]: The first time ever we’ve missed an episode, I might add.

  [MATT]: That’s true, that’s true. It only took the most significant event in human history to disrupt our release schedule.

  [NATALIE]: We’ve been very consistent up to this point. I’m sure you’ve been worrying this whole time about the status of our marginally popular podcast.

  [MATT]: Exactly. We banked two episodes ahead of the holidays since we were going to be all over the country for a couple weeks. We aired the episode just after Christmas like we planned, but then, uh, well…

  [RYAN]: Then “The Great Change” happened?

  [LAUGHTER]

  [MATT]: Ugh, barf.

  [NATALIE]: Does anyone here actually have a name for it that they can stand using?

  [SOOVIN]: They’re all terrible. They’re all the worst. On Twitter I actually saw someone use the term “The Unifying.”

  [CROSSTALK]

  [SOOVIN]: ...it’s really been a huge, sustained hard-on for the worst kind of New Agers. It’s just the fucking pits.

  [RYAN]: At least now they can only have their hard-ons for three days at a time.

  [LAUGHTER]

  [MATT]: Well, anyway, we had an episode all set and ready to go, but then we pulled it since it seemed sort of, uh, outdated and probably not the sort of thing people wanted to listen to at the moment. Also it seemed a little weird to release an audio podcast when we don’t actually sound like that anymore.

  [NATALIE]: How’s that been working out for you three?

  [RYAN]: Actually, you know what’s been the weirdest? It’s when I say stuff my wife says. Cause when you’re married, you pick up things your spouse says, right?

  [MATT]: You’re the only one of us who’s married, but sure, why not?

  [RYAN]: Well, take my word for it, okay? So there’s these little lines we’ve developed together and we’re the only people in the world who say them – because they’re dumb – and I’ve said them myself this last week and I go, “Who’s this strange woman who’s doing a bad impression of my wife?” and then I realize that it’s me and I’m an idiot.

  [SOOVIN]: For me, I keep hearing my twin sister’s voice. And not just when speaking actual words. I’ll sigh or hum or something and I’ll get freaked out that she’s standing right behind me. Everybody else seems to hear it too. Right after the change I phoned my mom and it took me three minutes to convince her that it wasn’t my sister trying to prank her.

  [NATALIE]: Your mom thought that your sister would try to prank her at a time like that?

  [SOOVIN]: That would totally be a thing she’d do.

  [MATT]: I’ve been recording myself speaking at home and playing it back so I can get used to the sound of my voice before I start editing this podcast.

  [RYAN]: Oh crap, I hadn’t thought of that. Maybe I’ll actually have to listen to the podcast for once.

  [MATT]: So yeah, that last episode got canned, but maybe we’ll release it to Patreon donators someday. On the one-year anniversary or something.

  [NATALIE]: A relic from another age, when men were men.

  [LAUGHTER]

  [SOOVIN]: Speaking of voices, people have probably lost track of who’s who at this point. We should go around the room again and reintroduce ourselves so people can re-associate our new voices with our names.

  [RYAN]: Okay, I’m Soovin. I really like torture porn even though it’s all worthless trash.

  [SOOVIN]: Goddammit, you asshole!

  [RYAN]: What!? Everybody always confuses our voices anyway. I don’t see why that should change.

  [NATALIE]: He’s got a point.

  [RYAN]: No, seriously: this is Ryan. This is what I sound like now. Let’s see, what’s a typical line I can throw in here?

  [SOOVIN]: “Shut up, Soovin.”

  [RYAN]: Oh man, yes, classic Ryan catch phrase!

  [SOOVIN]: This is Soovin here. I’ll probably be even more annoying about my in-depth workout routine stories as I try and figure out what I can do in this body.

  [NATALIE]: Crap, that’s actually true, isn’t it?

  [SOOVIN]: Yep. Get ready for excruciatingly detailed breakdowns of how many curls I can do now.

  [MATT]: This is Matt again, and I’m still charged with keeping this derelict ship afloat. I look forward to all your emails complaining about my vocal fry.

  [NATALIE]: And finally, as hard as it is to believe, the voice you are now hearing belongs to Natalie.

  [LAUGHTER]

  [MATT]: No, seriously, do you think your voice changed? Half the women I know say their voice got deeper and the other half don’t.

  [NATALIE]: I don’t know. In winter I get colds all the time and my voice gets a little raspy. I can’t tell if it’s that or the changes.

  [SOOVIN]: I think it’s a little deeper, but maybe that’s only because I’m hearing it in relation to my own voice.

  [RYAN]: Yeah, it’s like how every woman got half a foot taller but that’s just because I shrunk three inches. You got taller, right?

  [NATALIE]: Only, l
ike, an inch or a half or something.

  [RYAN]: Ugh, it sucks. My wife’s taller than me now and won’t let up about it.

  [SOOVIN]: I’m still taller than my girlfriend.

  [RYAN]: Shut up, Soovin.

  [MATT]: Oh man, there it is again!

  [NATALIE]: Yeah, the height and maybe voice are the only thing that’s changed so far. It hasn’t been that time of the month for me since New Year’s.

  [SOOVIN]: How’s your boyfriend looking forward to that?

  [NATALIE]: He’s intrigued I guess you could say.

  [MATT]: Have you not gotten hair on your chest and stomach?

  [RYAN]: Jeez Matt, that’s a little personal.

  [MATT]: What? That’s, like, the other thing that’s happened to women. I mean, we’ve all got it too, right?

  [NATALIE]: No, it’s okay. It’s actually kinda funny; I thought I’d never share this with you guys or our listeners but I’ve actually sort of always been a little, um, hirsute.

  [SOOVIN]: Seriously?

  [NATALIE]: Yep. Never, like, bearded lady or anything, but I’ve always had to shave in places most ladies don’t. It’s something I’ve had to pretty much keep secret my whole life. I was super, super self-conscious about it after I hit puberty. I’ve had to shave my chest since I was in middle school. I hated my body and refused to date anyone until college.

  [RYAN]: Man, personal revelations coming fast and furious on Silver Screams this week.

  [NATALIE]: Yeah, but now everyone else has to shave their boobs too, so whatever.

  [LAUGHTER]

  [MATT]: So, wait, does yours actually cover your breasts or…

  [SOOVIN]: Shit, you won’t leave this alone, will you?

  [MATT]: No! I mean, I’m just saying on me it only goes down to…

  [CROSSTALK]

  [NATALIE]: Wha- were you about to lift up your shirt!?

  [MATT]: I was just going to show you where hair comes down to on me.

  [SOOVIN]: Dude, I know we all have boobs now, but I don’t think you should be flashing during the middle of a show.

  [MATT]: Whatever, it’s an audio show. And I wasn’t going to flash you; I’m wearing a bra.

  [SOOVIN]: You’re already wearing a bra?